Why Your Favorite Coping Skill Is Making Your Anxiety Worse
Let’s be real: I love avoiding things. Who doesn’t?
If I can sidestep something uncomfortable, my brain immediately cheers like it just won the lottery. Here’s the problem: avoidance works a little too well in the short term — and that’s exactly why it makes anxiety worse in the long run.
The Worry Cycle
Anxiety is sneaky. It doesn’t just make you feel nervous — it convinces you that avoiding the thing was the right call.
You feel anxious about driving, so you stay home.
You dread giving a presentation, so you call in sick.
You’re nervous to check your bank account, so you don’t.
And when you avoid, what happens?
Relief. Sweet, wonderful relief… for a moment.
But here’s the catch: every time you avoid, you’re basically teaching your brain, “Yup, that was dangerous. We were right to steer clear.” So the next time that same situation comes up, your brain is on high alert and the wall of anxiety around that thing gets thicker, taller, harder to break down.
Avoidance Isn’t Always Obvious
When we think about avoidance, we usually picture the obvious stuff: skipping a party, not getting on the plane, or canceling plans at the last minute. And yes, those count.
Avoidance can also be sneaky — and that’s where it really flies under the radar. Anxiety is clever like that: it convinces you you’re just being “careful” or “responsible,” when really, you’re avoiding discomfort.
Here are some ways avoidance can show up:
Obvious avoidance
Not opening bills or emails
Skipping medical appointments
Avoiding driving on highways
Calling in sick to miss a presentation
Sneaky avoidance
Over-preparing: rewriting a text or email multiple times before sending.
Reassurance seeking: asking “Are you sure?” over and over, or Googling symptoms.
Distraction: scrolling on your phone instead of sitting with the anxious thought.
Procrastination: pushing off the task with “I’ll just do it tomorrow.”
Delegating: making someone else call the doctor, order food, or check the locks.
Over-planning / perfectionism: making endless lists so you don’t actually have to start.
Safety behaviors: carrying “just in case” items or sitting near the exit at events.
Avoiding eye contact or conversations: especially with social anxiety.
Not making decisions: keeping every option open to avoid the stress of committing.
In the moment, these strategies feel protective but each one quietly tells your brain, “See? That was scary. We were right to avoid it.” And the cycle of anxiety gets stronger.
What To Try Instead
The opposite of avoidance isn’t throwing yourself into your biggest fear with no safety net — it’s learning to approach discomfort in small, manageable ways.
Instead of avoiding…
That unopened bill or email → try opening it and just reading the subject line, not the whole thing.
Driving on highways → start with a short merge onto a quiet road, then back off.
Rewriting texts endlessly → send the “imperfect” draft once and notice what happens.
Letting someone else order for you → order for yourself once, even if your voice shakes.
Scrolling when you’re anxious → set a timer for 2 minutes before picking up your phone, and sit with the feeling.
These little steps are what tell your brain: “This thing is uncomfortable… but not actually dangerous.” That’s the sweet spot. Anxiety shrinks when you show up, even just a little, instead of stepping back.
This is also why approaches like ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) and ICBT (Inference-Based CBT) work so well — they help you practice leaning in, instead of reinforcing fear by avoiding.
The Takeaway
Avoidance = Short-Term Comfort
Long-term freedom comes from learning to tolerate discomfort and approach what scares you, piece by piece. Next time you feel the urge to avoid, pause and ask yourself: “Am I making anxiety stronger, or am I building my strength?”
